All those moments will be lost.. like tears.. in rain.

Think what would happen, if we were given a chance to go back to the turning points of our lives. The turning points are not some grand events - they may be as simple as lifting a finger or saying a word, or words. And these small things made your life so much different than what it would have been, had you done something even slightly differently.

Let's think at the implications if we could go back. We would have infinite amount of possibilities to recreate our own life, since even the tiniest difference (say, you would make another kind of thought than originally, which physically would manifest as some nerve atoms moving differently in your brain) could generate a whole new, parallel reality. Or universe, however you would like to call it. Anyway, your life might shape up to something completely different than what it would have been. Actually, every smallest amount of time differential is a chance for this reality to disperse into again infinite branches, since every moment can be played out in infinite amount of ways. In that sense it seems there is no point in the ability to change one's life. You never know how it's going to end up because at the time you change your reality at one point in time, the future becomes unclear.

OK, say we do not consider such a theoretical approach, in which every time differential is meaningful - rather let's concentrate on the actual turning point event, which is measurable and perceivable in humane reality as well. If I could change the event, which I (apparently) thought was the root cause for my unhappiness in the future that I've lived, I would still be unsure how I would end up in the upcoming future, just like in the above theoretical approach.

For the above reasons I would like to postulate: there is no sense in wishing things had gone differently, since this life we are now living is all we have got. Everything we have done and said and felt has been just perfect. It has been just the way it has been meant to be. It is the present, which is of the utmost importance - not the past nor the future. We are what we make out of this moment.

Still, I can't help but to feel wistful when thinking about some events in my life, which would have, according to my brains, led into getting to live a better life, had I done something differently. It is so easy to delve into the alternative reality, which, of course, is full of joy and happiness. At the same time I feel happiness for knowing that I'm living the life, which, considering these aspects, is juuust perfect. Who knows what kind of things I would have encountered, if I had decided to do things differently..

When you live your life, live the present to the fullest! Although, it is also true that to not to decide holds all the possibilities for the future since nothing is determined.. unfortunately it also prevents one from living. So, make a decision for yourself every moment and live. On decision we determine that this is my reality and the way I choose to see and live it. On deciding upon a thing:

"All those [potential] moments will be lost.. like tears.. in rain." *sigh*.

Bittersweet thoughts

Oh, the sweet misery of realizing how incomplete one can actually be in some respects! It is always good to ponder the meaning of life, being present and all that. However, it is somehow ironic that there are much more basic stuff that needs to be taken care of as well. Fortunately, contemplating the deeper stuff is not an idea to be excluded, regardless of how much one is lacking in more fundamental ways.

I've done a fair share of thinking of the life stuff. Now I think it is time for me to really be introspective and think, think hard, why I behave the way I do. I am actually afraid that no matter how hard I try to convince myself, to change myself, I am unable to do it. Evolutionary biology certainly has not made this easy for me. Or maybe it is just me giving excuses. I must deeply bow in front of the people, who honestly point out me towards the direction I am unable to see myself. Thank you. I will do my best.

Something for everyone

They're all kinda deep though.. :)

Music is a good way of surfacing emotions in my mind. That is why I enjoy music with depth

------------

Before the Dawn - Wrath: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TkzFZhrI60U

"My Broken bones grown whole
Wounds turned to scars and bleeding stopped
By Divine wrath I am reborn"

---

Mokoma - Sydänjuuret: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4QRkTKzj48
Alternative (trash metal, the original version): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=44XsqXyv0-g

"Voiko onnen jostain ostaa
Voiko piilottaa lukkojen taa
Sieltä esiin tuolloin nostaa
Kun tarvitsee lohduttajaa"


Gouryella - Walhalla: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Wp7xMwfS3M

"Our love heals
And feelings were starting to matter
When we shall fly on together
For now and forever"

---

Majai - Lightwave (Airbase remix): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rB8VY2HsdI&feature=related
(this one is particularly beautifully carved trance ch00n)

"I Grab My Coat, I Grab My Keys, And Then I Realize
That You're Not Around, You're Far From Here
And I Can't Find... Another Way To Tell You How Much I Miss You So
I Had You, Then I Can't Believe I Let You Go"

---

Pendulum - Crush: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mYd2X_9rrs
(the video is worth thinking about as well)

"Pictures that I’ve been dreaming are coming down
They’re changing my future
Visions I had buried underground
Returning to the future"

---

Vibrasphere - Tierra Azul (Omnimotion feat. Krister Linder remix): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wILYOuRCllI

This is a song for all the dear people. You are stars.

"The sun will set on you
Caress the darkness
Let it be a womb to you
Loving and spacious

You're a star

Love is all we are
The rest amounts to nothing
Our flesh the temples of
The one thing that is everlasting

You're a star"

---

Blank & Jones - Mind of the Wonderful: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QVoNKg-bF5s&feature=related

"Cold is the night, cold are my hands, cold as my heart"

"Cold is the night, cold are my hands, cold as my heart"

The love I want to strive for

Just a thought.

The next paragraph is a translation from the book "the paradoxes of life" by Tommy Hellsten.

"It is enough to stand beside another person. She does not need to be 'helped' or to be advised. One does not need to resolve anything for her, nor does she need to be clung on. She need not be protected from the truth. Nothing can be demanded from her, she can not be changed, but one does not need to abandon her. With her one can share humaneness. With her one can be on an journey of exploration and adventure."

Fiilistelyä

Sonata Arctica - Tallulah

Ghosts of the past

In no way is it well advised to dwell in the past. Human mind, however, is of weak nature (until we all become enlightened ;). Sometimes the past keeps on haunting and an attempt to rationally dissolve the situation is of little use. All that matters is now, the current moment - what decisions you make now. So, what could we do in order to overcome the irrational self, which seems to have this terrifying hold of us?

There is nothing one can "do". Your irrational self knows more about you than your rational self would like to admit. OK, maybe you could go into the Amazon jungle, meet up a shaman and drink some DMT / ayahuasca compound and face your inner demons, but I guess that's not a feasible solution for the most of us at least. What I've come to notice is that thoughts of certain events, after some time, end up somewhere where your rational self cannot see. They have been blocked out so as not to harm your ego, your rational self. Then, certain events reminding you of the past may invoke those thoughts, and once again inflict pain. It seems it is an everlasting, vicious circle with no end in sight. Unless...

Maybe it would be worthwhile to try to connect with your irrational self by any means necessary - be it meditation, psychedelics, self-exploration via rational methods, etc. It might be beneficial for the sake of one's mental health, which, in today's world, seems to be at the brink of abyss with all the shit we have to put up with. Communicate with this hidden entity and see what it tells you.

Another, less efficient but relieving way, would be to communicate with other people of significance. This would help one to process and express the feelings, which originate from the irrational self. Human being needs other people, since we all are in a way connected in the grand scheme of things. So why not de-pressurize your mind by means of communication.

It seems that "communication" with either yourself or other people is the key issue in dissolving the ghosts of the past. In other words, in my opinion, this means honesty with everybody - most importantly, with yourself. Honesty is a human quality more and more uncommon. Let us then try to be honest.

Happy and honest new year 2011!


Now playing Sonata Arctica - Caleb:

Go out, create thunder, and stand right under / That old apple tree / Where the snakes let him feed on / Lost hopes, all those kind words could hurt him even more, now / Somehow, lost one more way back home. / Out on the lake, he rows towards a monster he should’ve been running away from, years ago. / The past had made him blind to the way he’d turned the pain into a way of life.