Thoughts from a balcony in Brno

It suddenly struck me. Thinking about one of my relatives I now think I know why one does not want to do things most of us consider normal. Why would one confine him/herself to living alone far from anything.. and if this person is invited to places, he would refuse the offers? What's the point in all that "hermiting"? This question has eluded me for a long time..

Man, I just bathed properly for a month... I'm feeling relaxed and watching down from the balcony of the 4th floor of my hostel (or 3rd floor in non-Finnish standards of floor-numbering :) ). People are bustling about, eating ice-cream, walking with their special ones or not-so-much-anymore-special-ones ;).. The atmosphere is soothing.

Back to the point. The reason for refusing all the things we consider fun things.. I think it is simple: one is wise beyond our imagination. This person is enlightened one, the one who sees the truth about life: The more you want or do stuff, the more you see and hear about things... the more you will start wanting. By refusing from all this glory and wonders.. one will not crave for any more than he/she already has. The enlightened one knows this, and will gladly stay put, for the one knows only as much as is necessary to be able to be content with the life he/she leads. It is so simple. The true buddha.

Which is to say, I'm too far in this mess.. I've seen too much to retreat.. I'm a lost cause, doomed to gasp in awe at the miracles of the world endlessly... never to find beauty in simplicity... and face the agonizing consequences: this world with all its bittersweet wonders. I hope I will learn to be the newborn child again.

Travelling - ignorance is bliss?

The bottom line is: knowledge adds pain. The more you understand and get to know the world in which we live in, the more you will start to yearn other stuff. By other stuff I mean anything else than what you already got. I mean, why not concentrate all your energy on what is (at least) one of the most important things you will ever have: the people close and important to you. After all, when or if you settle down at some point, these are the people you will share your laughs and cries with. Why undermine it by being away from this group of people, to be a lone wolf?

Travelling is a unique opportunity to learn something new. It is also always an experience in itself, which is very typical human behavior; people are willing to pay for new experiences, be it a rollercoaster, new kind of food or travelling. What do we do with this experience? I think this experience can be used to widen one's perspectives and in this way enabling a more open-minded view on the world. Consequently, one starts to understand the workings of various nations better. ..Umm so what do we do with this? I cannot generalize, but I enjoy indulging myself into the subtleties of different cultures. I think I can adapt from my experiences something to myself, and I also know how well off I am, especially having seen some of the darker sides of some societies.

But still I can't help but wonder. Would it not be easier just to stay put and not know so much about things. Not getting any stupid ideas of how things might be.. I would just live in the moment and enjoy my life in all its simplicity. I must admit, having travelled a bit now, it would feel somehow more of a limiting factor not knowing about the stuff I now know. But this is only because I have reached this level of knowledge.

Sometimes travelling can become an obsession. One just travels just because. Because wanting to touch every country's surface. Or whatnot. Not because one wants to learn something from the culture in question. People's motives are widespread. Then, I can only say: do what you feel is best. Trust your instincts. And enjoy every moment of the decisions you make.

Beautiness in the world and all the other stuff

I haven’t written that much to my blog recently. Maybe it is because I haven’t just had the feeling for writing. It seems that travelling inspires me in some ways, since I have been getting these thoughts in my head during the past two weeks or so..

Not only have I thought about the motivation for travelling, which is a topic well worth of hundreds of pages of text, but more importantly I have tried to figure out my life. Especially the decisions that I have made in the past. Now, I also acknowledge thinking about the past does not make any difference and it is best to live the moment. Sometimes the subconscious just takes control over me and I have these thoughts, which stop me. I might stop in the middle of exploring a museum, or while smoking shisha and having a good time with my fellow travellers. The point being, I have been feeling blue more than usually.

My thoughts have sailed on about why I have decided to do things the way I did. To forfeit a potentially very good intimate relationship and to travel a lot, instead of working or otherwise obeying the norms of the current society. What if.

I experience so much beauty, so much of amazing experiences during my travels… it feels sometimes I would like to share these experiences with someone, with whom I can relate at the deepest level. To show this person how much there is in this world to wonder, how much to appreciate. Don’t get me wrong, I myself get so much out of all this by myself, eating all the great stuff and feeling the vibe of a specific place. Still, we are human. We want to be social. We want to be healthy, have good friendships and good relations with our family members. We want to share what we find subjectively to be meaningful. Maybe I’m getting old and I feel like sharing this stuff with someone, instead of getting hammered with "people with no faces". Oh well, the grass is always greener on the other side. Umm..not. Or.. There should be no distinction between this and the other side. It'’s always good no matter what. It'’s all in our heads.

Maybe it all boils down into me not knowing what I really want. Today I discussed this topic with a Finnish girl and originally Swedish guy. I mean, I know I want to be happy, of course. But: on the other hand I don'’t want to know what I want, because it would then set me on to thinking in a certain way, doing certain things, in a routine manner. I would establish myself to a bound perspective. Then again, if knowing what I want would make me confident enough to accept what is and not think what could be, it would be good in that way. Maybe I fear of getting stuck. I’'m restless? At the moment I am feeling happy but also wistful considering the past. I feel something might be missing. And still, everything is quite OK just now..

I know definitely what I want in the short term. Also, this is true for the long term. But is is the means to get to those long term objectives that are a question mark. I do not feel like following the ordinary path. Choosing this appears to be a “road to hell” (yeah I listened to it today three times, all from different performers), since it makes one in a way an outcast. I don’t mind that per se, but I hope that I could find some people who would understand me in this aspect, and respond to my calling, my yearning to be something special.. and still something so very ordinary.

Do I regret my past? Mostly no. The decisions I made were perfect at that time. It is me whose views on what is perfect have changed. We as people always want to do what feels right at any given moment. I said mostly no, because of these recent moments of blueness, which could be interpreted as regretting. But as was said, the now is perfect as it is.

I do not want to lie anymore, I have had enough of it. It does nothing but harm one'’s own soul and make other people feel bad. I am sick of it. I want to stick to the truth and tell people how much there is in this world that is worthwhile. All people are so beautiful in their own way… and everyone as much worth loving as someone else.. I cannot believe I missed this point at some point. We all make mistakes and are not perfect. Here’'s where forgiveness and looking deep inside comes into play. To really see the deepest feelings instead of the surface, both in yourself and the other people. I feel I made some bad moves in the past, but I can only wish all the best for the future in each and everyone'’s lives. I hope we all find the true beauty of this world, and that we all will be forgiving towards each other, but mostly on ourselves. Living is the way of the dragon.