Being alone vs. being not-alone AND long-term plans vs. living NOW

I was talking the other day with my flat mate about the basic human needs. We stumbled upon the subject of "being alone vs. sharing experiences with the special someone".

Why is it that sometimes I feel I want to share my life, my ups and downs, my journey in this wonderful thing called existence with someone? Why is it that on other times I feel like I am living my life to the fullest just NOW, without any need to share experiences in order to be truly happy?

Having returned from Beijing last spring I had already changed quite a bit when it comes to the approach towards life itself. I started eating healthily, started to develop myself both physically and mentally. Mentally in terms of conversations, meditation and by trying to be downright as open, as honest as I could ever be. I sincerely and without arrogance am very pleased with myself at the moment. I feel I treat people with respect and at the same time preserving myself, my integrity. I feel confident.

Yet there becomes times when I doubt.. I doubt whether I would ever find "a path" in my life. You see, I never seem to be able to "just keep on doing something for the rest of my life". I feel I would just stand still and repeat something endlessly. Without development. I never seem to "fit in" whatever it is that I'm engaged in, say in my self-defense exercise community. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy every second of this hobby of mine. It's just that I don't go into this community. I don't live my life for it. I am no elämäntapaintiaani in any respect. I feel it would bound me. Instead, I am always interested in new stuff, constantly. The flipside of the coin is always feeling a bit of a loner. THERE IS SO MUCH IN LIFE I WANT TO DO!! What could I do to embrace the whole world, to FEEL and love all the people without locking myself to one chain and ball?

The same goes for sharing my life with that special someone. Sometimes it feels it would bind me, prevent me from doing something I would have wanted to do. Sometimes it feels that if I found a person who would share my views on lot of things, that our minds would think in unison, I would not need to even think of this ball and chain thingy.

On to other stuff.

I have no long-term plans. No pre-defined, pre-decided thing that is supposed to happen. I'd rather not have them. I feel they would bind me to living according to some set of rules. Take mortgage for instance. And sell your soul to the banks. Own lot of stuff and sell your soul to your boss. Having said the previous sentence my mind flies into thinking this:

Why is it that people always say: "It is pain now yeah, but AFTER I have done this, I...". In my opinion there is something fundamentally wrong in that sentence. I'd much rather it be said like "It is pain now so I will get rid of it and enjoy life NOW". In practice, it is not so simple. It definitely isn't easy to take the pain away, because the external world (and perhaps you yourself) has expectations towards you. They (or you) say: "finish this and you'll get more money" or "do this and you'll get that". As a vague solution I would say then: the approach to this dilemma should always be done with your NOW as the first thing in your mind. Even if you are unable to make the change, you know and acknowledge the existence of this thought. And conciously or subconsciously you will strive towards getting out of the pain-making situation. At some point you will notice things are better. "Hey, I feel good actually". What is wrong today is that people seem to believe that "after doing something it will get better". Reality check: it will never happen. Once you reach the goal, you will wonder: "so what is actually better now than before". Then, suddenly you notice you are wrinkled and in your late 50s, wondering where the life, you were meant to lead, disappeared.